Our dysfunctional American family is picking a leader again, and we’re all tore up.

My side of the family thinks Grandpa Joe has done a grand job. He fixed up the house nicely. He handles the dangerous neighbors on the next block with a firm, steady hand. We worry he’s a bit shaky at 80, but – who else?

Aunt Kamala, for some reason, hasn’t convinced us she’s ready. Cousin Pete is great at owning MAGA loudmouths at the dinner table, but he needs to get our travel stuff straightened out.

We love Mama Michelle, but she’s had enough. Great Aunt Hillary? Please no.

Sister-in-law Gretchen up in Michigan is impressive. So is brother-in-law Gavin, but he’s from California, you know. Great Aunt Nancy from California was great at regularly and publicly spanking Donald, but she’s earned a break and our thanks.

Crazy Uncle Bernie is finally standing down. But he raised a gaggle of equally crazy kids who scare the bejeezus out of folks.

On the other side of the family, Mad Uncle Donald wants the job again. But he and his MAGA crowd tried to burn down the house last time, and we barely got out. Only our crazy cousins want that again, like Marge Q from Georgia.

Plus, Mad Man is 76. Those Big Macs and well-done steaks will catch up with him.

Who can knock him off?

That wimp nephew Ron from Florida can’t even beat up Mickey Mouse. MAGA folks don’t like the looks of Cousin Nikki or Cousin Tim from South Carolina.

Maybe loud, pushy Uncle Chris? He’s from New Jersey and looks like Tony Soprano. But he folded like a tent when Donald punched him last time.

Nobody likes Lyin’ Ted from Texas. Put him under the wall. Liddle Marco? Still too Liddle. And surely not Aunt Lindsey from South Carolina.

Rompin’, stompin’ Aunt Liz from Wyoming is tougher and smarter than anybody on that side, but she’s made them all mad.

It’ll be rough going. We need family counseling. Or an intervention.